Sidenote, this printing error feels like karma for being a straight bitch about some of this haha. I can admit my shadow got wild. It’s all good & if you’re actually reading this I love you! Send me a message saying Sunflower & I’ll send you a free affirmation printable!
It’s the contradictions & gaslighting for me.
It’s the delusional placing him on a pedestal of perfection while mansplaining his clear shitty behavior for me.
It the sidestepping of him lying to me our entire relationship, a lie clearly framed to make me jealous for me.
It’s that awful parenting “advice” for me. (More on that soon.)
I still lost it. I mean I fucking lost it.
Like this was ALMOST my villain origin story.
I was ready to hop on a plane & Lorena Bobbitt his ass. (If you’re one of my Gen Z loves please Google her name & you are so very welcome. haha)
He let my naive ass sit there half of our relationship blaming myself so hard…Why can’t I just not care about this? Why does this feel off? Why am I so jealous? What’s wrong with ME?…Because my energy felt his energy & was doing the most trying to protect me from his fucking LIES!
Abe lied to me our entire relationship about Britt. I KNOW that shit affected him. I know the “honest Abe” I first met was inside him & felt smaller with each new layer of deception. His behavior was making him sick as much as mine was making me sick.
My love Miss Swift had the perfect lyrics explaining how I felt in her song Mad Woman.
& there’s nothing like a mad woman
What a shame she went mad
No one likes a mad woman
You made her like that
& you’ll poke that bear ‘til her claws come out
& you find something to wrap your noose around
Sidenote, thinking back now we were poking each other in different ways (not those ways but we were getting more freaky towards the end I think both trying haha) hoping to see the claws because neither of us has experienced safe, stable, consistent love in our lives.
You guys why was I so mad I began editing together a documentary of the shit-talking & lies he told me? I’m mortified to share this as it’s the fuel they need to call me crazy, but bitch, I am crazy & at least I got the balls to admit it. Luckily, now I can laugh at my heartbroken ass but he was about to be the burning man in my 2019 directorial debut haha.
You see I was secretly recording our Skype calls to make him a surprise anniversary video. I wanted to make him proud with my editing skills he’d helped teach me. Now it’s midnight & my crazy ass is in an RV with my one-year-old on vacay in the middle of TN making an entire presentation comparing the value we both brought to the relationship.
Jesus woman, haha, & y’all I really thought I was “winning”.
I even made title cards for each section & closed captions. Look, at least your girl is creative with her pain. Those titles will go to the grave with me because…whew. Hell hath no fury like a clever writer scorned, but I will say I was going for his top three biggest insecurities that I’ve NEVER pegged before & will never go after because I refuse to control him with them as his mom or first girlfriend did.
At 4 a.m. after hours of editing I suddenly heard my grandmother Jewel’s voice as clear as day tell me, “Baby this is not the way.”
I couldn’t breathe so I went outside & laid on the cold hard ground trying to get ahold of myself again. That’s when I heard her again, “You have to show them not tell them.” Her words echoed my mind.
I knew exactly what she meant by that. If I did this I would be a crazy bitch just like it felt they all wanted. I would also have hurt innocent people to expose him.
I’d regret it & shame myself for years.
It took everything in me to delete all of the footage. My entire nervous system was shot. I was fighting my hurt shadow & pissed-off ego who were just trying to protect my devastated inner child & a man who like Olivia Rodrigo said, might not of cheated but was still a traitor. I had to vent the pain so I made a TikTok & wrote comments down the video then deleted it by morning to vent the pain. I have shame about this very human response to betrayal, but I also know I deserve space to express my emotions.
What I didn’t realize was by this point I had the entire cast of burb-kid Shameless (his crew) watching every shit I took. I learned my lesson on what someone doing that to you feels like too. I use to hate it because I’d go out of my way to curate my content to not hurt shit so it wouldn’t hurt him but then it felt like they’d always found something to run with & be hurt about so they needed to swing back. I intentionally now understand the pressure he felt as I set him up. Most recently though it’s starting to shift from uncomfortable to me liking the attention, like I really like the attention knowing they are doing the absolute most about me, knowing they are waiting for any little breadcrumb, knowing their bonding & friendship time is now about me…I must put on a damn good show.
Then, I started writing this chapter not knowing what it would be even though this book was originally about my weight loss.
Now after 10 more months of healing & watching the patterns of how both of our pain & anger have been surfacing I see the generational wounds of both of us.
It’s like we were designed to love & hurt each other equally from our wounded inner children to our first love traumas to our people-pleasing betrayal wounds to our curiously creative minds to our love of being funny. Maybe he wasn’t ready to admit he needed healing too & I just couldn’t put my healing off any longer. My son needs me to break these curses before he inherits them.
I’m not sure how he’s going to react to this chapter. A piece of me hopes the calm, logical man I loved will understand it. He will understand sharing this story is a part of reclaiming ME, reminding ME I’m enough, not hurting HIM. A piece of me thinks the guy who I broke his heart will probably make it about me hurting him & brush off my feelings as unimportant anymore or “crazy” ramblings.